do you guys ever get that feeling where it’s like you’re sick or something but you’re not sure and the thing you can feel most is your eyeball sockets heating up slowly and melting the inside of your brain

i think it is important that i close the computer right now. 

goodnight.




home sweet home.


posted 2 days ago with 0 notes

discontent 

today i took a journey through my past and saw a glimpse of what my future could have been. it’s funny how particular settings can work the same magic as a time machine. 

so many things have changed, yet being back in that room i’m suddenly a scared little girl again. the little girl who was slut shamed and ripped apart by her peers for their own self righteous needs.

it was as if the last four years never happened, i never grew up, i never established my own life. I never discovered my value, my worth. i became a kid again, worried about judgment and condemnation.

he looks the same. same hat, same fixed face- unsmiling and focused. it’s strange how you spend much of your life growing and changing and then gradually your looks become stagnant. you become the person you are, sometime during your thirties i think. there is a plateau of appearance until you begin to descend into age.

the only change of his physical appearance was the glint on his finger that wasn’t there before. it shined on the screen as a constant reminder that i abandoned the one opportunity i had to be with a man that had promised not to be with another. i gave it up in the name of love.

changing gears for a moment.

everyone seems so happy in their discontent. oxymoronic, i know. but they all spend so much time trying to reach the other side where the grass is greener. they are happy desiring something they don’t have, because at least it keeps them busy, keeps them working, keeps them distracted from the fact that what they have now is perfectly acceptable. 

we want better, we want more. where happiness was once the lack of desire, now desire itself has become some masochistic form of happiness. the ability to pursue those desires is what now makes us happy, instead of achieving the desire. we love to chase but not to win, because winning has become so fleeting. at least if we lose, there’s more to pursue, more to work towards, more to do. 

maybe that’s why myself and others consistently sabotage things that are good. because we are scared of winning, because once the game is won, what is there to do next? when the desire is gone because everything that was once desired has already been granted, then what? constantly losing, constantly fighting, constantly changing means that there is more. more to desire, more to look forward to: there is no endgame because the game itself is the prize.

i’ve been writing too long. i’m finding out things about myself that i don’t think i really want to know.


posted 3 days ago with 0 notes

"Just because someone desires you, it does not mean that they value you.


Read it over.

Again.

Let those words resonate in your mind."  - Nayyirah Waheed 



things i want to learn over the next three years in Connecticut 

  1. I want to learn how to be alone. Like really alone, no distractions. I want to teach myself to be in my apartment and not have to call everyone on my phone/facebook list to keep me from being alone.
  2. I want to be comfortable with my own thoughts. I don’t want to have constant distractions just so that I won’t have to think. I want to accept the thoughts that I have and learn how to deal with them.
  3. I want to learn how to study. I want to be organized, take notes, and find the best way for myself to understand the material presented.
  4. I want to take risks. I don’t want to live my life wishing that I had done something I decided to play it safe on.
  5. I want to make friends that I can count on. I want to meet people that will actually come when I call them having a panic attack. I want to find people who are such good friends that I can request “no questions asked” favors and they will do it because they know and trust me.
  6. I want to get to know myself better. Not this facade that has been manufactured by my environment, but who I really am, stripped to the bone.
  7. I want to find someone who wants to be with me more than he wants anyone else. For the love of God, I just want to be picked first for once.
  8. I want be able to go out of my comfort zone and try new things. I want to have as many experiences as I possibly can. I want this to be the time of my life that I talk about for decades to come. I want to have fun.

You will be shocked when you discover how easy it is in life to part ways with people forever. That’s why when you find someone you want to keep around, you do something about it.

How I Met Your Mother - Season 9 Episode 21



posted 6 days ago with 219,940 notes
© niick4 - via joshpeck

the fact that all relationships either end in death or breaking up just hit me.


posted 1 week ago with 0 notes